“He was her favourite sin. He was not a habit for her anymore, he was an obsession. Together they shall be consumed and destroyed. Their union was too lethal and overpowering”.
She sits alone in the dark room on the swivel chair, going round and round, while she stared blindly at the barren walls, until her head started to spin. She wanted to block all those memories from her mind, but the more she tried to push these thoughts away, they only managed to sink deeper and cause her more anguish. Her dark brown eyes brooded over those memories as her mascara bleeds down in rivulets down her cheeks, mixed with her tears and inking a murky black pool. The withered rose that she held in her hands was a memento of their last meeting, and as her thoughts travelled back to the last time that she had seen him, unknowingly she felt a sharp pinch as she pricked her finger on the small thorn of the rose. But she did not experience any pain. Her actual pain and torment were way more than the inconsequential prick of a rose. Sadly, she stared back as the blood mixed with the ink from her mascara below.
She yearned to see him, to talk to him, to feel him, to absorb every inch, bits and pieces of him and to let him consume her as a deadly sin wanting to be overpowered. She longed for the secrets whispered at midnights and for the road trips without a map. Most of all she ached for the one who desired to explore all the mysteries which lay sleeping within her and whose touch has awakened those long-forgotten desires. She was always surfeited with a perpetual seclusion, but he has managed to subjugate all her capricious emotions to accompany her lonely heart in a journey so worthy such that her mind has been meandering to his marvelling world. His world, she knew he was out of bounds, but she wanted to reach his dark and tattered soul and elevate him in the same way that he has saved her from losing herself in the turmoil of her life.
His deep voice resonated in her head as she recalled their last conversation.
“We can’t continue to see each other; these meetings will prove to be too dangerous. The more attached I become to you, the more hurt you will be. Get away from me. Do not fall in love with me, beautiful. I am like a storm which will ravage you if you get too near to me. You will be destroyed”, he said as he pushed her away from him, but these were merely words.
“And why do you think that is?’’ she asked imploringly.
“Because it is easier to destroy something you love than it is to watch it leave.” he simply stated while being unable to meet her eyes.
"If being destroyed is the only way to be with you, then so be it! I want to be destroyed", she retorted.
It was always his will, his way, always has been. When he wanted, he pulled her in and in the same manner pushed her away from him when his dark side overtook him. But what he did not know was it was that same off hand attitude of his that lured her more towards him and made her more determined to come closer to him.
But it was too late for her. She knew she had nothing more to lose, she has already lost herself to him, and lost the will power to fight against these budding forbidden feelings. Coming close to him was something unconceivable to her, yet she has allowed herself to taste that forbidden fruit. She was so lost, more than ever, even more than before meeting him. She was lost in that rapture that he provided her, lost in that trance that he pulled her in and so lost in that gaze and sweet words that he only could soothe her. He has crept into the deepest parts of her, and the way he looked so serious much of the time has infiltrated her existence and shattered her weary heart without giving any consideration to the warning signs that were clearly labelled.
Her mind raced back in the night telling her that she did not deserve this attention and ‘love’ but she was helpless and the invisible forces kept pulling her towards him. She shivered when his darkness swept over her but the strong allure of the unknown and that mystery about him, knowing fully well that she was not supposed to be with him, completely pulled her in his direction. Seduced by the sweet scent of destruction, she knew that she was losing herself more…to him.
He was everywhere, when she opened her eyes, when she closed them. In her dreams, in her thoughts, he did not leave her alone. He was constantly present, and she did nothing to stop him from infiltrating further again. It was as if she wanted that, she yearned for him to torment her, to torture her, to play with her feelings, to be present and go away from her at his will. She enjoyed that seductiveness it brought, she fantasized in those dreams which she has woven around him but which she knew would remain unfulfilled.
She has allowed him to be such an integral part of her life that she cannot distance herself from the world that he lives in. As much as he was destructive to her, he was much more fulfilling to her now. She needed him, she has allowed him to become her weakness, although his unexpected appearance in her life initially served her as her strength, but now she needed him more than ever; she needed to hear his voice, she needed to keep talking to him, she needed to see him, she needed to feel him and breathe in his sweet scent. He was like an inferno spilling down her in his destructive self. As much as her heart was restless without him, her body as well quivered and yearned for him, he had ignited such a fire and deep desire within her that only him could appease.
Some say it will end in fire, some in ice, but from what she has tasted of this desire, she would gladly savour this fire, even if she has to perish through that road which she was not supposed to take.
He was no more a mere attraction and a passing phase; he has now become an obsession to her.
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