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Conflicting emotions

The hushed silence of the night that hung so heavily was a reflection of her dreary mood and the occasional twitter of the night owls in this dark night seemed like a disturbance to make her remember the turmoil that was raging on in her mind and most specifically in her heart. It seemed that even nature conspired against her; the stars seemed to shy away from her and seem reluctant to make their appearance on this specifically clear night. It was an unusually dark night, specially at this time of the month. As dark as the vulnerability which has overcome her state of mind, as dark as the helplessness which has overwhelmed her whole being and as dark as the gloom which filled her heart to brim.

She walked along the pathway with no fixed destination, the dry twigs on the ground crackling beneath her feet reminding her of the mixed emotions lingering inside. Even though this place is where she could close her eyes and feel at peace, the emptiness that hurt deep down inside was trying to send a message to her body and brain through the spectrum of emotions that were waiting to burst inside her. These emotions needed just a release, but she refused to let herself succumb to this disarray, even as distraught as she really was.

Sometimes she felt like crying, sometimes she imagined herself walking away finding her own path as if to ease the sadness in her heart when no one else was around. It was as if she found comfort by confiding in the nature, by just being moulded with her surroundings and taking in what nature has to offer and pretending to be taken away and carried off faraway. Away from all the troubles surrounding her, away from that never ending ache in her heart and away from all these feelings which she could not grapple and were causing her much anguish. But it was one of those nights where she felt herself being pulled more and more and sinking deeper in that abyss of her conflicting emotions, thinking she was sitting at the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole, thinking no one was ever going to help her get back at it. She knew that she needed an escape from it all, yet her feet kept directing her to the unknown and to the whirlwind of that mystery and fantasy which she found herself being engulfed in.

Lost in the darkness, she was still running away from his memories even if it were only the shadows of the trees as stories played over and over in her mind. As she continued her lingering walk, she felt a cool whiff of air grazing at her cheeks and the clouds parted away to reveal a full bright moon. Pushed along with each whisper of the breeze, she could hear his voice resonating in her mind as a fading music calming the night. She could almost feel the soft caress of his breath as she heard her name being whispered against her cheeks, making her skin tingling and her heart thumping so loudly that she could hear it against her chest in that silent night. Lingering, enduring and waiting, she closed her eyes in anticipation and breathed in the sweet scent of the night while savouring that instant which the memory of the sweet melody of his voice brought. Her wavering heart bounced back, and she could feel the rush of heat climbing on her face. She clenched her fingers so that they don’t rush to find his hands and the longing of his grip to pull her in his arms in this ethereal trance. How she wished he knew what she was so scared of showing, how she wished he could see how much he meant to her, how she wished he could hear the things that made her fear, and how she wished he could feel the rush of love that she felt for him.

But how can he see through her when he should not be seeing her way? And when her heart he should not have conquered and her soul he should not have relinquished?

Still, she stood there in admiration of the moon now shining brightly on her.

Her face with tears wiped away showed a faint smile as she stared up at the sky to see the beautiful light, the music of his voice playing softly in her mind capturing the essence of a new hope while she surrendered herself to the peace which that silent night brought to her raging and conflicting emotions.

The whiff of his scent she could still perceive in the distance.

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