She knew he was all wrong all for her, totally, from very aspect she could think of, but why did he seem so right to her at the same time? What was it, that always lured her back to him and the thoughts of him kept pounding in her head? What it the way he behaved, his gentle yet off handed demeanour? Was it the mystery that he produced around him or the sweet little kid facet of his that he managed to let out sometimes? O was it those deep profound eyes, which could read every inch of her face and her whole life, that fascinated her so much? Even so, not only was it wrong of her to think of him, but he was also someone unattainable, but she knew that she was fooling herself, because the one who had such restraints in this whole story was her only. Bounded by her own commitments and restrictions, she has let herself forgotten in that short space if time, that she was not supposed to think of someone else, let alone be attracted and developing feelings for that person, this was something inconceivable for her.
It certainly looks like she’s been bewitched, else why would she have feelings for someone else, when she is supposed to be ‘happily’ committed to someone else. Or simply she was under the illusion that she was happy? Or maybe she is sailing in an intoxicated state of mind and refuse to let go of the seductiveness it brings? To say that she is happily promised to someone and yet she finds herself falling for someone else, someone she cannot stop thinking about, someone who occupies her thoughts day and night, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she closes her eyes to sleep, the thoughts and image of him haunt her. And it feels like she has eaten the forbidden fruit and now it is gnawing at her soul.
And what are those feelings that she fails so miserably to acknowledge or take cognizance of and want to bury in the deepest corner of her heart, what are those feelings that she dares not mention out loud, lest it destroys her, what are those feelings which at the same time brings solace, joy and a new sense of euphoria to her heart, as well as deep pain, desolation and confusion? What are those feelings that she cannot at all comprehend what is happening, that she finds myself in an emotional turmoil, feeling confused and betrayed by her heart?
“You will eventually get hurt”
“You are playing with fire”
“Try to get away while it’s not too late”
Her close ones advised her. But did she listen to them? And was it not too late already? She was too blinded at that time, even though she knew all along how right they were. She was only living through this moment and what this moment brought to her, how her soul was being fed and how her entire being seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.
She lived in her own world, in her own bubble, she was oblivious to the outside word. What mattered only was the sense of euphoria that she was experiencing, the stolen moments that she knew she was not entitled to, but oh, how she looked forward to them and yearned for each and every second in his company during their supposedly secret meetings. She knew she was living a dream and that one day she will wake up from that dream and everything will be gone from her, she will be left with only memories.
But she was not afraid.
Because she was never his and he was never hers.